This is a subject that I have found over recent years keeps popping up and yesterday I came across the subject yet again.
I have separated this blog post into 2 sections, one is my story and the way I view the subject from a life perspective, the second is a theological teaching on the subject which I tend to think of as kind of an epiphany that I had recently.
The subject is simply this....things go bad in our lives and our first reaction is to decide what?? You guessed it, there is no God.....or that there is a God but we want nothing to do with Him.
Now please don't take me wrong, I have no intention of playing high and mighty or trying to come off as morally superior to anyone.....Lord knows I'm guilty of that exact same attitude. In 2001 I gave birth to a little boy 2 1/2 months premature, I was approximately a week into my 7th month when he due to a pregnancy related illness he had to be delivered by emergency c-section. He passed away 5 weeks later from a massive cerebral hemorrhage caused by septicemia. Not only that, the date of his death was 14 October 2001, 2 days before my 21st birthday, Wow!!! Happy birthday Staci!!.
Naturally, I did what everybody does I wanted answers, I wanted to know why, I wanted to know what I had done in my life to deserve this and I believed that I was entitled to an explanation. Which as you would guess wasn't coming.
Naturally, I got angry and the anger started to burn and fester and I eventually decided in my pain and grief that God had no right to take my child, he had no right to take what belonged to me. And I made a decision in that moment that I knew He was there, I knew very well that He existed but I wanted nothing to do with Him since he refused to give me the explanation I felt entitled to. And I spent the next 14 years doing everything in my power and going out of my way to offend Him, because....and yes I will say it, I hated Him.
This coming from somebody who was a Born-Again Christian for 2 years from the age of 16 - 18.
2 years later at the age of 23 I believe today my answer came through my father. We were in the car driving somewhere and the subject came up, he reminded me that God can see further ahead than we can and He could see what was coming in my life. He could see the utter collapse of my marriage and what my husband did to me (that's a subject for another time), he could see the possible pain and suffering Keegan would have had to go through in being a premature baby and the possible complications of that and the fact that if Keegan had lived I would've at that stage been a single mother to a child who would need constant and more attention than normal. So in a lot of ways my dad believed that God did what He felt was best for both me and my child. He spared Keegan anymore pain that was possibly coming and he spared me the stress and anxiety of being a single mom to a child like him. I remember saying to my father that I didn't care what Keegan was like I just wanted my child and he reminded me that God knows us better than we know ourselves and He knows better than we do what we can and can't handle and we just have to trust His judgement. It took me a few years to realize that I had received my answer that night....at least I believe I did....I also believe that I had been given a second chance to start over - I would've preferred to have been given that second chance WITH my child, but I didn't get to choose.
I've come to the belief that...we have questions to the things that happen in our lives and often times when things go bad and even horribly wrong as human nature would have it we want to know why. But I've come to the belief that sometimes in that moment we won't be able to handle knowing why and I believe that we will get our answer....when we can handle it and have reached a place where we are ready to hear it, not before. And for those of us who never find an answer during our time on earth as to why, we will get an answer one way or another even if it comes after we leave this earth.
For those of us who are believers we will enter into paradise with our Lord Jesus and all of our questions will be answered, for those of us who are not believers.....Well........We love you just the same :)
God Bless :P
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